If you are a new parent, or your family structure is about to change, you probably wonder how to look after your child’s emotional needs and troubles. Read on for some valuable guidance.
Playtime is more than just entertainment; it is something a child needs for its creative development. However, the abundance of toys and distractions seems to have a significant impact on many youngsters’ attention span. Especially for younger children, develop a ‘rotation system’ where you remove some toys from their chest and store them out of sight for a while, then re-introduce them after several weeks or even months (depending on the child’s age) and quite often they may have forgotten about them and will greatly enjoy playing with the ‘new’ toy again. This way you can keep them interested and don’t have to spend as often.
Whilst it is important to spend a good portion of your time with your child, be it for playtime, education or general bonding through affection, it is equally important that you as a parent take time out for yourself as well. This will not only allow you to recharge (and a happier & healthier parent is most definitely a better parent) but also encourage your offspring to learn how to entertain themselves and recognize that the world does not entirely revolve around them. Needless to say, this is a very valuable lesson they can’t internalize early enough.
This also applies to character training and setting boundaries. It is of no use to wrap your kids in cotton wool and allow them anything and everything, as this is no reflection of the real world they will invariably encounter. Whilst harsh discipline is certainly no longer considered appropriate, it is crucial to establish rules and boundaries (that you as a parent will maintain and not give in at the slightest appearance of tears, pouts or tantrums). It will assist your child to fit into society a lot easier in the long run. Bear in mind though that there is no ‘one size fits all’ rule for every child, each one requires their individually tailored approach of reward and ‘punishment’. There are many ways to discipline a child, without the need for getting physical. Options include the ‘naughty corner / step’, withdrawal of certain desireables such as sweets or playing with a favorite toy/electronic device, having to go to bed early, etc. Anything that the child specifically likes and will find hard to go without, so regaining (or not losing) this particular privilege will be the incentive to behave. And most importantly – must stay firm, or they will play you like a fiddle in no time.
This can be particularly challenging if you are not the child’s biological parent, i.e. that person’s partner or spouse, or if the child is adopted. Children work out very quickly how to send such a person on a guilt trip or simply disregarding their authority by yelling out ‘you are not my mother/father!’. In this instance it is absolutely critical that you are on the same page with the biological parent and have agreed on a mutual strategy, which both of you must adhere to. Otherwise you will both be played against each other, and this is not only frustrating in itself, but can also damage your adult relationship in the wake of it. Unity is key!
Even if there is initial resentment against the perceived ‘intruder’ into the family structure. Obviously, it is most important to build trust, and demonstrate to the child that you care for him/her just as much as you do for their parent. Include them in activities, do fun things together and show them that you don’t want to ‘replace’ their missing parent, but are there to offer support and in fact can be their buddy, who they will learn to co-exist with. Yet once again – maintain set boundaries gently but firmly.
If the child has developed a trauma and / or emotional issues following a separation, be extra supportive and reach out to them, verbally as well as physically. In these cases the ‘pricklyness’ of a child is nothing else but a cry for help during their time of grief and loss, and /or inability to express themselves in other ways. If you can show that you are – quite literally – a shoulder to lean on, it will generally benefit the relationship between you and that child, as well as help them overcome behavioral issues.
If issues persist over a longer period of time (say in excess of 6 months), it may be worth looking into professional help. Some children find it more difficult than others to open up to new people, regardless the environment, and there may even be other factors playing a role, such as Asperger’s syndrome or other diagnosed conditions. Don’t be embarrassed to seek professional help – nowadays the stigma of a mental health issue or personality disorder is nowhere near as bad as it used to be, and the earlier things get recognized and treated, the bigger the chances to overcome them are.
These pointers should give you solid and valuable guidance from starting out as a new parent and getting you through common issues during the first years. By investing in your child’s behavioral training and being on the lookout for potentially more serious matters you will be rewarded with a healthy family relationship.
